THE CHEATING ON YOUR DIET HANDBOOK: Put All Of Your Diet Concerns And Questions To Rest

A tongue in cheek look at dieting that will hopefully assuage guilty dieters the world over. Grab your laptop, a root beer float, and put your feet up. At the very least you should enjoy the view!

1. INTRODUCTION

Who invented dieting? God? He created the world, the waters, and the heavens;

the land, the plants and animals. "God created everything," is what I've

taught my children and grandchildren. I suppose it stands to reason He also

invented Crispy Creme donuts, love handles, calories, and Godiva chocolate

covered cheesecake with whipped cream, butter rum sauce, and hand-selected

cashew halves a la mode, floating in a rich, ooey-gooey cake batter that's been

dusted with light as air sugar-shaped snowflakes, and sprinkled with the tiny,

but oh so decadent coconut mango bon-bons Tom Hanks accidently overlooked

when he was marooned on that island in the movie CAST AWAY. (Which means

God is also responsible for buttered popcorn, pizza, Taco Bell and Sonic.)

Kinda makes one wonder just exactly WHAT it was Eve got into in the Garden

of Eden. Something tells me it wasn't salad.

Yes, friends, you read it here first. Weight issues may have begun as a scourge!

scourge; n. to punish severely

And what did WE do to perpetuate God's wrath? I don't know, but we need to

figure it out quick and STOP DOING IT!

2. WHO INVENTED THE SPOON, AND

WHY ISN'T IT BIGGER?

Still being researched; check back for updates.

3. WHY ARE THERE SUPER MODELS,

AND WOULDN'T PEOPLE FEEL A

LOT BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES

IF THEY WERE OUTLAWED?

For me, it all started with fresh-faced Cheryl Tiegs in her early Cover Girl ads,

the all-American "girl next door" who looked like she wanted to be your

best friend. (Yeah, like THAT was ever gonna happen!) I was fourteen

and standing in front of a full length mirror in my first (and only) two-piece

bathing suit. I weighed 124 lbs. and could see very clearly that I was not a

Cover Girl, I WAS FAT. I tried pinching an inch and pinched an inch and

three-quarters. Oh, the inhumanity of it all! Devastated, I ate a platter of

homemade peanut butter cookies, washing them down with a full quart

of milk (with 4% milkfat).

If the United States government had done it's job and interceded, replacing those

bubbly blonde beauties with models more in the line of Queen Latifah, Barney,

and Professor Klump, well, I wouldn't have had the traumatic experience of

staring back at the image of myself as the Jabba The Hut in a navy blue bikini

singed into my cerebral cortex for all eternity.

And what's up with that "girl next door" business anyway?

Who coined that sexist little phrase? You can be sure it was

some middle-aged man in a trench coat, balding, bloated,

and barely breathing. Are you telling me that NO ONE

has a "girl next door" whose ass is wide enough to be listed

as an off road vehicle? Well? When I was fourteen, OUR

next door neighbors had one! An inch and three-quarters,

folks! Mooooo Cow!

4. What goof-ball came up with the

definition for the word "calorie"?

'cal-or-ie; adj. a unit for measuring heat: one for measuring the value of

foods for producing heat and energy in the human body equivalent to the

amount of heat required to raise the temperature of one kilogram of

water one degree Celcius.

Just goes to show you what the government can get away with and perpetuate.

A unit for measuring heat is called a thermometer, Folks. I mean, how lame

does the following scenario sound?

"Honey? Little Timmy feels warm to me. You'd better get out the CALORIE

so we can check him for fever. I think he might be raising the temperature

of water as much as 7.045 degrees Celcius. Run a tepid bath right away

before he's hot enough to boil eggs."

5. Fat - what exactly is it, why is it in so

many foods, and how can consumers

determine whether or not it's really

in there?

What is fat? Beats me. Some theorize that FAT doesn't even exist, that it is an

attempt by the government to keep all of the really tasty foods like bacon, pork

rinds and honey glazed bar-be-qued spare ribs in plentiful supply for folks like

Vice President Cheney and NBC's political analyst, Tim Russert, who I abso-

lutely adore. GIVE TIM WHATEVER HE WANTS, G Dub-ya!

As far as the best way to determine whether or not fat is a myth is to perform

for yourself the following scientific experiment made up by experimental scientists

from Jet Propulsion Laboratories, LLC, makers of namebrand detergents, insect-

icides, children's toys, recycled scrapbooking materials, and jets that are propulsed:

METHOD: Purchase a half gallon of your favorite ice cream. According

to the label, it will surely be loaded with several thousand fat grams per 1

oz. serving. Scoop out as much as you want into a 2 quart serving bowl.

If you do not run across any pork chops, french fries, or a well-marbled

ribeye during the scooping process, the ice cream has been mislabeled

and is 100% fat free. You're good to go. Enjoy!

6. What has caused the so-called

"fat explosion" in our society?

That's an easy one. Text-messaging. Of course, text-messaging beats the

hell out of sprinting 152 miles to send an eleven word message to the early

philosophers like Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle Onassis.

7. What meal is touted by nutritionists

as the most likely to yield the greatest

weight loss?

I believe that would be tacos, enchiladas, and cheese dip...with a mineral

oil chaser.

8. What exactly is a carb?

Carb is derived from the Italian word carbine. A carbine is a type of rifle. So

if you're counting your carbs, that means you are trying to reduce your intake of

firearms. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

9. Do books like Eat This, Not That

actually help dieters?

Absolutely! I mean, how can the average American decide between a green salad with low-fat dressing and an overflowing pasta bowl filled with steaming cheese ravioli smothered in made-from-scratch Alfredo sauce without looking it up first? The human mind cannot keep track of every little detail. Books like Eat This, Not That are indespensible guides for today's thinking men and women.

10. What is the BMI - body mass index?

The BMI or body mass index was invented by a group of CEO's whose skyrocketing profits are the result of society's obsession with aesthetics. Think about it. For years we've measured our weight on bathroom scales. We've run tape measures around (and sometimes in between) our rolls of blubber, studying the resulting statistics like a racing form on derby day. Then one day, out of nowhere, this mystical BMI business comes along. To me, the method looks about as reliable as one of those magic eight balls that you ask questions. For example: "Will I ever look like Reese Witherspoon?" Crazy Eight Ball's answer: "Get real." Take a look at the formula below and see what YOU think about the BODY MASS INDEX:

The BMI or body mass index is a statisical measure of the weight of a person scaled according to height, used to estimate if a person is underweight or overweight. BMI units are defined as kg / m2 ≈ 703 * lb / in2

Pure voodoo, folks. If you don't have a full length mirror, GET ONE. That's the only "index" you will ever need. Stand in front of the mirror in your bathing suit, if you have one. If you don't, your birthday suit will do. If you look like Reese Witherspoon, you're exactly what society wants you to be. If you look like Professor Klump? Blame every bit of it on Eddie Murphy.

11. What about exercise?

I'm against it.

12. What about Jenny Craig?

Evidently Kirstie and Valerie have done well on the Jenny Craig plan. Of course, they were (and probably still are) being paid millions to lend their fame to the product. Cash, especially LOTS of cash, can do wonders for one's will-power. I CHEERFULLY VOLUNTEER TO BE A GUINEA PIG TO PROVE THIS POINT. Which brings me back to the U.S. Government: why not pay overweight individuals to diet and supply them with a famous chef like the angry dude on Hell's Kitchen, and a personal trainer who was once say. . . a model for GQ?

13. Is it possible that genetic factors

predispose some individuals to obesity?

Glad you asked! Several years ago I researched this very subject after my genealogy research yielded antique photos of several of my ancestors. The women all had one thing in common: they looked very similar to those plus size, flying faeries from the Disney animated film Sleeping Beauty. Which got me to thinking. My thoughts went kind of like this: "Nooooooo!!!"

Research confirmed my worst suspicions. There is a genetic flaw in some individuals, a tweek in our DNA aptly named the "TOL mutation". It is more commonly known as the TUB O' LARD gene. (Humorists often refer to it as The Fatty Fear Factor.)



14. Are there any statistics available on how soon the average dieter turns into a cheater?

Not that I am aware of, but my own personal best took place about five years ago. I was planning to start my diet on a Monday morning. I cheated at about 10:00 a.m. when a nice pharmaceutical rep surprized us with a surfboard sized platter of GIANT CHOCOLATE-DIPPED STRAWBERRIES.

15. What recommendations do you have

for someone reading this today who is

currently in the throes of being tempted

to cheat on their diet?

Three simple words: JOIN THE CLUB!!!

COPYRIGHT 2008 ~ WordWielder

MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.